DIARY 004: 12.20.24

THIS IS SO TERRIFYING I COULD PROBABLY RIP MY FACE OFF. 

IT IS USUALLY REALLY DIFFICULT TO TELL WHEN I LIKE A PERSON, ROMANTICALLY OR NOT. IM JUST NOT THAT GOOD AT PICKING UP CUES OR LISTENING TO MYSELF. OBVIOUSLY. 

ITS FUNNY BECAUSE IF YOU CHANGE ONE LETTER IN THE WORD 'PLATONIC' YOU CAN GET 'PLUTONIC' WHICH IS WHEN A ROCK TURNS SOLID IF ITS DEEP ENOUGH UNDER THE EARTH'S SURFACE AND THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING PLATONIC ABOUT THAT, NOTHING AT ALL ACTUALLY, AND I THINK IM GOING TO START USING PLUTONIC TO DESCRIBE MY CURRENT FEELINGS MORE OFTEN BECAUSE IT JUST MAKES SENSE SO IF I WANT TO BE PLUTONIC THEN I WILL BE?

MY FRIEND ASKED ME WHY I LIKE THE PEOPLE I DO AND IT TOOK ME A MINUTE TO ANSWER HIM AND I REALLY HAD TO SIT AND THINK ABOUT THIS ONE. IM A CHRONIC LIST MAKER SO I WOKE UP TO PEE ONE NIGHT AND ON THE TOILET I SPENT ABOUT AN HOUR MAKING PROS AND CONS LISTS FOR JUST ABOUT EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW AND LOVE. 

HIS HAD ABOUT FIVE PROS AND FOUR CONS, BUT MOST OF THE CONS WERE ME JUST BEING STUPID AND FUCKING AROUND. SO MAYBE HE HAS ONE CON, WHICH IS QUITE UNBELIEVABLE, BECAUSE THATS JUST ONE BAD THING ABOUT YOURSELF THAT I CAN PICK UP ON SURFACE LEVEL. ONE BAD THING. DO YOU KNOW HOW PERFECT YOU HAVE TO BE IN ORDER FOR THAT TO HAPPEN? THERE ARE LISTS OF PEOPLE WHO I KNOW THAT HAVE MAYBE ONE PRO AND THE REST ARE CONS, IT GOES ABOUT A MILE DOWN, AND YOU WOULD THINK I HATE THESE PEOPLE WHEN IN REALITY IVE KNOWN THEM SINCE BIRTH AND IVE SLEPT IN THEIR BEDS. 

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS A 'CRUSH'? I MEAN IT FEELS JUST SO INSANELY JUVENILE TO SAY THAT YOU HAVE ONE. WHEN DID GROWN UPS STOP USING THAT WORD? WHY DO WE SAY 'SHE'S INTO YOU' AND NOT 'SHE'S GOT A HUUUUUGE CRUSH ON YOU'? SERIOUSLY. 

I MEAN I KNOW WHAT I FEEL. I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT. I DEFINITELY DO. BUT THINKING OF IT IN THAT LIGHT MAKES ME FEEL YUCK ALL OVER AND LIKE A SLUG IF YOU PUT SALT ON IT. SOO SOOO GROSS. I JUST WANT TO LOVE WITHOUT SAYING IT LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?