IM THINKING OF SUMMER AGAIN AND THE WORKS OF ANNE CHARLOTTE ROBERTSON THIS NEW YEAR. RESOLUTIONS ARE SCARY. WHAT IF I WANT TO STAY EXACTLY HOW I AM? 

MY DAD THINKS SOMETHING IS HILARIOUS ON THE DOWNSTAIRS TV. MY MOM TELLS HIM TO LOWER THE VOLUME. WHEN I SEE MY FAMILY I FEEL VERY WHITE IN MY WHITE SHIRT BECAUSE EVERYONE IS WEARING RED AND THEY PROBABLY DON'T FEEL VERY RED. LATER I TALK WITH MY COUSIN AND WE'RE OUTSIDE AND HE'S PROBABLY HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK BECAUSE WE'RE LOOKING IN THE FRIDGE AND HE ASKS ME WHAT I DO TO FEEL GOOD. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT? HOW DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK 'FEELING GOOD' ACTUALLY MEANS? THAT'S A TERRIFYING QUESTION I TELL HIM. AND FOR SOME REASON HE LAUGHS. 

I FIND MYSELF WALKING INTO THINGS MUCH MORE THAN I NORMALLY WOULD. LIKE, WALLS, CARS, DOORS, TABLES ETC. I SEE IT COMING BUT I NEVER AVOID IT. MAYBE IT IS MY BODY SAYING I SHOULD FUCK UP HOW I LOOK NATURALLY, MAYBE BECAUSE LIFE'S BEEN TOO EASY FOR ME THESE PAST FEW WEEKS. A REBELLION AGAINST AUTOPILOT. IF LIFE'S BEEN TOO EASY FOR TOO LONG, MAYBE I SHOULD FUCK UP A LITTLE. I WASH MY COMFORTER AND I DRY IT TWICE AND ITS STILL NOT DRY YET, BUT I GET LAZY SO I JUST DECIDE TO PUT IT ON THE BED AND SEND OUT A PRAYER. WHEN IM SLEEPING I WAKE UP AND IM DAMP AND IT FEELS GROSS SO I READ A BOOK THAT MY FRIEND COSTA LENDED TO ME. I WANT TO GO BACK TO SLEEP BUT I CAN'T, AND THE BOOK MAKES ME CRY SO I DON'T WANT TO READ THAT EITHER. IT'S A WHOLE THING. YOU CAN'T UN-READ SOMETHING, CAN YOU? AT THE END OF THE NIGHT I DECIDE TO LIGHT A CANDLE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS AND WATCH THE FLAME. I FALL ASLEEP BUT WAKE UP TO BLOW IT OUT BEFORE MY MOTHER YELLS AT ME. 

SOBRIETY MAKES ME DO WEIRD THINGS, LIKE PICK UP COINS ON THE STREET, OR TEXT PETER AND TELL HIM THAT I'M THINKING OF MAKING A MOLD OF MY TEETH AND AUCTIONING IT OFF TO MY FRIENDS. HE TELLS ME THAT HE THINKS IT IS AN UNTAPPED MARKET AND THAT I COULD BE THE FIRST, WHICH IN THE GREATER SCOPE OF THINGS, IS PROBABLY NOT TRUE, BUT I APPRECIATE HIM FOR MAKING ME FEEL GOOD. 

IVE ALSO BEEN THINKING OF GROWING UP AND PARENTING AND HOW BULLSHIT EVERYTHING IS AND HOW STRANGE IT IS TO BE A MOTHER AND HAVE A BEING INSIDE OF YOU. THAT'S GNARLY. I DON'T SEE MYSELF BECOMING A MOTHER. ON MY VERY FIRST SET THIS YEAR MY GAFFER MARLIE TOLD ME HOW SHE HATES FILM SCHOOL AND WANTS TO FOCUS ON THINGS LIKE RAISING A CHILD. I ASKED HER IF SHE HAD A KID, AND SHE SAID NO. I ASKED HER IF SHE WAS PREGNANT, AND SHE SAID GOD NO. MAYBE IT'S GOOD TO THINK ABOUT THESE SORT OF THINGS. I THINK MAYBE SOME TIME IN MY LIFE I COULD REALLY THINK DEEPLY ABOUT THESE SORT OF THINGS, BUT FOR NOW I DON'T WANT TO. 

MY FRIEND WANTS TO BECOME A WRITER; I THINK THIS IS PERFECT BECAUSE HE IS THE MOST SENSITIVE ARTIST I KNOW. WHEN YOU'RE THIS SENSITIVE, YOU DON'T JUST SEE THE WORLD. YOU FEEL IT IN A WAY THAT MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE TO LOOK AWAY. YOU CAN'T JUST PASSIVELY WATCH. IT ENGULFS YOU. SO WHEN HE TELLS ME HE WANTS TO WRITE I JUST KNOW. OF COURSE. OF COURSE HE DOES. HE DOESN'T JUST EXIST IN THE WORLD; HE IS IN IT, PART OF IT, TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IT FROM EVERY ANGLE, OR FROM EVERY DARK AND LIGHT-FILLED SPACE. HIS MIND MIGHT BE A WHIRLPOOL OF EVERYTHING, THE THINGS HE READS, THE THINGS HE FEELS, THE THINGS HE WISHES HE COULD SAY, THE THINGS HE DOES. THE BEST WRITERS ARE THE ONES WHO AREN'T AFRAID TO FEEL TOO MUCH. THE ONES WHO TAKE THE JAGGED EDGES OF EXPERIENCE AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL. YOU'LL MAKE A WRITER.